There are struggles adult children face when it comes to the safety of aging parents or other loved ones. It might be taking the keys or firearms away, moving them from the home they know, placing them in a facility or keeping untrustworthy friends and family away. Too often these adult children struggle with taking over the decision making for their loved ones. I've talked of taking on a parental role with parents, but perhaps it can also be taking on an executive decision making role.
Today's guest post comes from Dr. Ken Druck, a clinical psychologist and authority on healthy aging; who has written new book “Raising an Aging Parent.” He has spent four decades helping people grow into the more courageous, compassionate, and resilient version of themselves by transforming adversities and losses of every kind into opportunities. Relationships evolve and when dementia or other health issues arise, it presents an opportunity for both the parent and child to grow in a new way.
Executive decisions like taking away your aging parent's car keys, or anything of theirs for that matter, should be the choice of last resort.
Much as we do with our kids as they learn to make good decisions on their own, we do have a responsibility to help an aging mother or father stay safe and healthy if and when their capacity to render good judgement is diminished. But written into the Code of Being an Exceptionally Good Son and Daughter of an aging parent are several things that come before making executive decisions on their behalf:
First, is the willingness and ability to approach them with a gentle sensitivity, compassion, patience and respect. Setting the right tone can establish a feeling of cooperation, trust, dignity and support. Even if you discover someone else (a sibling, professional caregiver or doctor) can be most effective as their advisor or primary caregiver, you have set the stage for your parent to get the help they need.
Second, having opened an aging parent's heart and mind to greater options and gained their trust for making difficult decisions about driving, moving out of the family home, seeing a doctor and other difficult life transitions, we become valuable helpmates, advisors, advocates and caregivers.
Third, by being there for our aging parents, assisting them through life's changing seasons and unwelcome changes, we become a resource, lifeline, facilitator and conduit to the future. We volunteer to help improve the quality of their lives as an act of love and gratitude.
Finally, making an executive decision for an aging parent who is dangerously resisting change, outrightly denying there is a problem that could have serious consequences, putting themselves and others at risk or no longer possesses the ability to think critically about their own well-being and safety may be one of the most difficult things you ever do. But it is, for many of us, a sacred responsibility that comes with being a good son or daughter.
When all other options for persuading an aging parent to take care of themselves have run out, tough love may be the last resort. And a soft, caring and respectful intervention may be necessary. To find put more about how to conduct an Intervention with an Aging Parent or a Family Council Meeting, please go to www.kendruck.com.
Additional Resources:
Syndicated radio interview of Dr. Druck with "Our Auto Expert" (-30:00 minutes)
Keeping our Older Drivers Safe on the Road
Comments